Saturday, August 9, 2014

Scrappy poem

I'm in the midst of a poetry period. This is a thing that happens in my life. I get stuck on poetry and can't get anything else done. Except for turning some of the poems into songs. Which is really just another form of obsessing over poetry. So here's a shitty poem I wrote in like 10 minutes. I call this "scrap poetry" and believe it or not, this is actually one of my better scrap pieces.
Enjoy...? (Take that as you will, but it's meant sort of like a dare.)

When Fucked By A Tree

When a tree fucks you
It comes out of nowhere
Just ask the girl in Evil Dead
Who would suspect a tree
Capable of such deviance

Earthy, slow, steady
Yet intrusive and intense
Cool wood stings and splinters
Too flammable to withstand fiery heat

Old advice to heed:
When in the forest
Do as the nymphs


Side note: I hope you can see the forest for the trees... this is not a poem about being okay with rape. Someone just pointed out to me the ease of jumping to that conclusion.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Dear anyone still following this blog who doesn’t keep up with me in real life,

I’m baaaaack! Also, what are you thinking? Why are you here? This blog is terrible! But it will get better, hopefully. Maybe. I only sort of care. That’s part of my charm. So we’ll see how well this turns out. Anyways, after a long hiatus of most things funny, I’ve decided to start updating this again.
But first, here are some life updates to know:

- I’m still alive! And I’m still funny (maybe, that’s always debatable)!

- I moved back to the Bay Area after Austin, which is where I wrote pretty much all of the past entries. I miss Austin and would love to move back someday. Now I live in the ‘burbs of SF not to far from the airport. Got a sweet deal and loving it here too.

- I left adverti666sing for a more noble and satisfying career in actually helping people by teaching them to gain control of their space, time, and stuff. It’s called Professional Organizing and it’s a lot like that show Hoarders but less gross. Most of the time. I no longer get paid to be funny though, which is all the more reason for me to start posting again. Overall I get paid to do more things I love and less things I feel bad about, so this is a huge improvement. Advertising was a weird direction for me, and in theme with this blog and my life, it only barely made any sense for me to be doing. It was a choice that was made when I wanted to believe I knew myself at 18 and because of societal norms, was forced to make major life decisions without a lot of information that would have been useful. It’s all good now though. Zero regrets.

- I didn’t completely disappear from all things comedy during this hiatus. What happened was I started doing more drag and it became my comedic outlet. It was challenging and fun and hilarious. But then I stopped because of some hard times, other projects, and overwhelm. I went though a comedic and artistic funk for a while. And now that’s over, so I’m back.

- Ninja boyfriend is out. He did not use my cover letter for Twitter nor get the job there. Obviously not a coincidence. He was mostly good times, like advertising, and also ultimately not for me. And finally, after, oh, a couple of years (just shy of 12 to be exact), the real deal is in. Sinseriously! Ross & Rachel stylee! We’ll call him The Hotter Potter for now. I like the rhyme, but hate how similar it is to Harry Potter (damn that child for stealing my thunder before it had a chance to thunder!), so that’s subject to change. More on him another time(s?). There’s good story here I plan to shine the nonsense on somehow.

- I eventually found the cookie sheet from "Dear Cookie Sheet." Someone had taken it out of the dishwasher and put it somewhere weird in the kitchen. I still have it, but I recently bought a better one so it rarely gets used.

Well, I think that about builds a bridge of marshmallows and bacon over the gap between then and now. More coming soon.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Variations of “Take It Easy”

How many instances can you use the phrase “take it easy” where it even remotely makes sense?


Calming someone down: "Whoa man, take it easy!" – You’re freaking out on me, stop it please.

Parting phrase: "Bye… take it easy!" – I’m leaving, and trying to appear chill and relaxed.

Pleading: "Hey now, take it easy." – I’m treading on some thin ice with you, and it would be in my best interest if you’d calm down because I need to get out of this situation.

Singing: "La, la la, take it easy!" – Singing a song with the lyrics, “take it easy” such as “Girl, Take It Easy” by the Pietasters.

Insulted: "Take it EASY, bro!" – You took it too far, and I want you to take it down a notch.

Offended: Take it easy with the [donuts, child porn, whatever]! – You are doing something I do not like and I think you should stop.


I seriously can’t think of any more. And I’m pretty sure started this blog post almost a year ago.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Cover letter for my boyfriend

If you're reading my blog, you probably know I'm a writer. So I'm pretty awesome at writing cover letters. I took the liberty of writing my boyfriend's cover letter to Twitter.


Dear Twitter guys,

I wanna work here 'cause I like your app. I play on my phone/iPad/computer a lot so I have some taste. Twitter's way cool, love the little bird guy and all the blue. I can RT @ my follower a twitpic on a tinyurl! The thing is, I want to work somewhere where I like the stuff they make. My job used to be like that, but now it's not and I am unfulfilled. I'm a pretty big deal over here at Gravs, the CD and all. I call all the creative shots pretty much. I have some minions... sort of. Not really. So... yeah... that's me. Hire ME!

Peace,

Ninjitsu Pixelju

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Dear Cookie Sheet,

Where are you? Why did you decide to leave me when I was in Lubbock? The day I got back I needed you and you were not there. It resulted in a disaster with Loaf Pan. He is probably kind of pissed at you, since he is still soaking and it doesn't seem like this random-mixture-that-would-have-been-better-as-sugar-cookies-instead-of-a-"cookie-cake" is ever coming out. I promise to defend you against Loaf Pan's might if you come back.

Actually none of that would have even happened! I originally was looking for YOU so I could make snickerdoodles. Then when you weren't there, I decided to make cupcakes. I started with the frosting, but had no powdered sugar so I tried to use regular sugar. Then tried to save the mess by adding lots of flour and some other things. And it PROBABLY WOULD HAVE WORKED if I used you instead of Loaf Pan. But if you had been there, I'd be eating snickerdoodles right now, wouldn't I?

Is this gonna be like the time in high school with the keys to my dad's house? I don't think I can go 7 months without you. I probably won't even live here in 7 months. If Wini facebooks me and says you've decided to show your face and I've already moved on to a new place and cookie sheet, you will probably never be used again. For some reason this house attracts healthy eaters. It's probably all the free organic eggs. The same free organic eggs that we used to bake with together. You might never see another one again.

Wait a minute, are you behind the refrigerator? That's the only place I haven't looked, because I'm not really sure how I can get back there. If that's where you're hiding that was not only a dick move, but a stupid one. You'll probably have to stay there forever. Seriously, forever. No one is going to rescue you.

I really don't want to buy a new cookie sheet to replace you. Half the reason I love you is because I can always make cookies when I'm out of real food. And if I still haven't made it to the grocery store to buy real food, do you really think I want to go to Target for a new cookie sheet any time soon?

Is this about the gingerbread penis cookie incident? I know, those were TERRIBLE even though they looked awesome. You have to admit the almonds as testicles was brilliant. If only I'd remembered to take you out of the oven in time. At least the folks at Action Figure liked them even though they were burned and a complete disgrace to you and me. But when I used the rest of the dough to make regular little whole wheat gingerbread cookies, those turned out great. If only I'd known then that'd be the last time I saw you. When I ate the last of them I stuck you in the dishwasher, never to be seen again...

Remember how I used to make beer battered fish on you, until you made a little fire at the bottom of the oven? Those were good times. And good fish, too. I could really go for some beer battered fish right about now. But instead I'm going to make frozen spinach out of my emergency food reserve and tear apart the kitchen AGAIN looking for you.

Seriously, how do things just disappear one day? You better spill once I find you.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Thing that doesn’t get enough credit for how amazing it is 2/Person 2: Christeene



Her act is harder to not look away from than a train wreck. She is everything your usual drag queen isn’t. It's like seeing a prostitute from lower Polk in San Francisco who partied hard for three days straight, fell asleep in the gutter out of exhaustion, got run over a few times, did some more meth, found some pills on the ground and took all of them, then hopped up on stage. During her show I felt happy, surprised, scared, confused, shocked and mystified.

How I discovered her:

A friend says to me, “We are playing Gay Bi Gay Gay this Sunday. And you gotta see the person after us! It’s the craziest drag queen ever.”

I did not believe her. I’ve seen a lot of crazy drag queens, and I’ve performed among some of them. (Btw John if you’re reading this, I still want that video-- you know the one.) But I like drag queens and things that are crazy, so I was intrigued.

I barely made it in time to see my friend’s band do their awesome cover of Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love, and kind of forgot about the “craziest drag queen ever.” But then I saw her on stage and realized a whole new level of insane existed that I was not previously aware of.

Christeene is way beyond the “craziest drag queen ever.” She could keep Austin weird all by herself. She shoved my expectations up her ass, then threw them back at the audience, and after the audience threw them back at her, she covered them with tears from her pussy and said “haaayyyy.” My favorite part of the show was the acappella devotional to Oprah. How many drag queens have you seen that sing original music instead of lip synching? And how many out of those sing acappella? I can only dream of performing alongside her one day. She is the greatest thing I ever saw. And I told her so after the show. She responded (to her bear-partner-guy) "See bay-bay! Sumtimez we make pee-pull happah!!"

I was never happier to have a video camera on me. I wish I could have recorded the whole thing, but I only managed to get a fraction of the glory, and not even the best parts at that. So I’m not going to post it here, (plus it would probably count as porn, which is most likely against the terms and conditions) but I’ll leave you with her Twitter, Facebook page, and website instead.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Ways Republicans can save money

Plant trees to cool off your home.
Place them so that they block sun coming into your windows. This will save you money in your heating/air conditioning bills and increase the value of your home!

Invest in a few fans and space heaters.
Another way to save on your heating/air conditioning bills.

Instead of a lawn, have a xeriscape.
No more paying the yard man! Or jacked up water bills because of sprinklers. But if you love your lawn and want a less jacked up water bill, try watering it and night so that less of the water you paid for is stolen by the sun.

Fix leaks ASAP.
While we’re on the subject of water bills, an unfixed leak increases your water bill more each day you put off getting it fixed.

Put a brick or something of similar size and weight in the toilet tank.
I know it sounds crazy, but this will cut your water bill down too.

Turn off appliances and lights when you’re finished with them.
Another bill you can prevent from getting out of control is your energy bill.

Save jars and plastic food containers with lids. Or invest in some Tupperware.
Foil and plastic wrap are another waste of money.

Drive less frequently/carpool.
If you’re going somewhere not too far and aren’t about to buy a ton of stuff, walk or bike. Now you don’t need gas as much. Maybe you can cut your gym bill out completely.

Don’t speed.
Speeding can result in costly tickets. As if the state needs more of your money! Also it wastes gas.

If you’re gonna get a pet, adopt one from a shelter.
Way cheaper.

Don’t buy bottled water.
Unless you live somewhere that has water so gross that it tastes bad after it’s been filtered. Otherwise, just get a filter that screws into the faucet, use the filtered water on your fridge, or get a filtering pitcher. Then get a stainless steel water bottle or two.

Sign up for paperless billing.
You save money on stamps, checks, and envelopes.

Use cloth rags and towels instead of paper towels.
This won’t work for every mess, but you will save money on paper towels.

Turn old stuff into new stuff.
Those rags I just mentioned can be made from old clothes or linens. Use a piece of paper you don’t need anymore for scratch paper instead of wasting computer or notebook paper.

Take your empty printer cartridges back to the store when they’re empty.
Many places, like Staples, give you store credit.

Buy in bulk.
Unless it’s something you’re not going to be able to use before it expires. Bulk is almost always cheaper.

Eat less meat.
Meat is more expensive than non-meat foods. And you don’t need it with every meal. Other sources of protein include: protein shakes, nuts, beans, tofu, Powerbars and the like, and other things made from beans like fake meat. Even cheese has a little protein.

Bring your own cloth bags to the store. Or ask for plastic and use them as trash liners.
It's another small investment. Sometimes stores charge for bags. And if they didn’t the last time you were there, they could start any day now.

Show the world you're not called "conservative" for nothing!


PS: If you found this and are interested in all things eco, check out venTREEloquism.net - speaking on behalf of the Earth. Many of her ideas helped make this list complete.