Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Dear Twitter guys,
I wanna work here 'cause I like your app. I play on my phone/iPad/computer a lot so I have some taste. Twitter's way cool, love the little bird guy and all the blue. I can RT @ my follower a twitpic on a tinyurl! The thing is, I want to work somewhere where I like the stuff they make. My job used to be like that, but now it's not and I am unfulfilled. I'm a pretty big deal over here at Gravs, the CD and all. I call all the creative shots pretty much. I have some minions... sort of. Not really. So... yeah... that's me. Hire ME!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Actually none of that would have even happened! I originally was looking for YOU so I could make snickerdoodles. Then when you weren't there, I decided to make cupcakes. I started with the frosting, but had no powdered sugar so I tried to use regular sugar. Then tried to save the mess by adding lots of flour and some other things. And it PROBABLY WOULD HAVE WORKED if I used you instead of Loaf Pan. But if you had been there, I'd be eating snickerdoodles right now, wouldn't I?
Is this gonna be like the time in high school with the keys to my dad's house? I don't think I can go 7 months without you. I probably won't even live here in 7 months. If Wini facebooks me and says you've decided to show your face and I've already moved on to a new place and cookie sheet, you will probably never be used again. For some reason this house attracts healthy eaters. It's probably all the free organic eggs. The same free organic eggs that we used to bake with together. You might never see another one again.
Wait a minute, are you behind the refrigerator? That's the only place I haven't looked, because I'm not really sure how I can get back there. If that's where you're hiding that was not only a dick move, but a stupid one. You'll probably have to stay there forever. Seriously, forever. No one is going to rescue you.
I really don't want to buy a new cookie sheet to replace you. Half the reason I love you is because I can always make cookies when I'm out of real food. And if I still haven't made it to the grocery store to buy real food, do you really think I want to go to Target for a new cookie sheet any time soon?
Is this about the gingerbread penis cookie incident? I know, those were TERRIBLE even though they looked awesome. You have to admit the almonds as testicles was brilliant. If only I'd remembered to take you out of the oven in time. At least the folks at Action Figure liked them even though they were burned and a complete disgrace to you and me. But when I used the rest of the dough to make regular little whole wheat gingerbread cookies, those turned out great. If only I'd known then that'd be the last time I saw you. When I ate the last of them I stuck you in the dishwasher, never to be seen again...
Remember how I used to make beer battered fish on you, until you made a little fire at the bottom of the oven? Those were good times. And good fish, too. I could really go for some beer battered fish right about now. But instead I'm going to make frozen spinach out of my emergency food reserve and tear apart the kitchen AGAIN looking for you.
Seriously, how do things just disappear one day? You better spill once I find you.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Her act is harder to not look away from than a train wreck. She is everything your usual drag queen isn’t. It's like seeing a prostitute from lower Polk in San Francisco who partied hard for three days straight, fell asleep in the gutter out of exhaustion, got run over a few times, did some more meth, found some pills on the ground and took all of them, then hopped up on stage. During her show I felt happy, surprised, scared, confused, shocked and mystified.
How I discovered her:
A friend says to me, “We are playing Gay Bi Gay Gay this Sunday. And you gotta see the person after us! It’s the craziest drag queen ever.”
I did not believe her. I’ve seen a lot of crazy drag queens, and I’ve performed among some of them. (Btw John if you’re reading this, I still want that video-- you know the one.) But I like drag queens and things that are crazy, so I was intrigued.
I barely made it in time to see my friend’s band do their awesome cover of Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love, and kind of forgot about the “craziest drag queen ever.” But then I saw her on stage and realized a whole new level of insane existed that I was not previously aware of.
Christeene is way beyond the “craziest drag queen ever.” She could keep Austin weird all by herself. She shoved my expectations up her ass, then threw them back at the audience, and after the audience threw them back at her, she covered them with tears from her pussy and said “haaayyyy.” My favorite part of the show was the acappella devotional to Oprah. How many drag queens have you seen that sing original music instead of lip synching? And how many out of those sing acappella? I can only dream of performing alongside her one day. She is the greatest thing I ever saw. And I told her so after the show. She responded (to her bear-partner-guy) "See bay-bay! Sumtimez we make pee-pull happah!!"
I was never happier to have a video camera on me. I wish I could have recorded the whole thing, but I only managed to get a fraction of the glory, and not even the best parts at that. So I’m not going to post it here, (plus it would probably count as porn, which is most likely against the terms and conditions) but I’ll leave you with her Twitter, Facebook page, and website instead.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Place them so that they block sun coming into your windows. This will save you money in your heating/air conditioning bills and increase the value of your home!
Invest in a few fans and space heaters.
Another way to save on your heating/air conditioning bills.
Instead of a lawn, have a xeriscape.
No more paying the yard man! Or jacked up water bills because of sprinklers. But if you love your lawn and want a less jacked up water bill, try watering it and night so that less of the water you paid for is stolen by the sun.
Fix leaks ASAP.
While we’re on the subject of water bills, an unfixed leak increases your water bill more each day you put off getting it fixed.
Put a brick or something of similar size and weight in the toilet tank.
I know it sounds crazy, but this will cut your water bill down too.
Turn off appliances and lights when you’re finished with them.
Another bill you can prevent from getting out of control is your energy bill.
Save jars and plastic food containers with lids. Or invest in some Tupperware.
Foil and plastic wrap are another waste of money.
Drive less frequently/carpool.
If you’re going somewhere not too far and aren’t about to buy a ton of stuff, walk or bike. Now you don’t need gas as much. Maybe you can cut your gym bill out completely.
Speeding can result in costly tickets. As if the state needs more of your money! Also it wastes gas.
If you’re gonna get a pet, adopt one from a shelter.
Don’t buy bottled water.
Unless you live somewhere that has water so gross that it tastes bad after it’s been filtered. Otherwise, just get a filter that screws into the faucet, use the filtered water on your fridge, or get a filtering pitcher. Then get a stainless steel water bottle or two.
Sign up for paperless billing.
You save money on stamps, checks, and envelopes.
Use cloth rags and towels instead of paper towels.
This won’t work for every mess, but you will save money on paper towels.
Turn old stuff into new stuff.
Those rags I just mentioned can be made from old clothes or linens. Use a piece of paper you don’t need anymore for scratch paper instead of wasting computer or notebook paper.
Take your empty printer cartridges back to the store when they’re empty.
Many places, like Staples, give you store credit.
Buy in bulk.
Unless it’s something you’re not going to be able to use before it expires. Bulk is almost always cheaper.
Eat less meat.
Meat is more expensive than non-meat foods. And you don’t need it with every meal. Other sources of protein include: protein shakes, nuts, beans, tofu, Powerbars and the like, and other things made from beans like fake meat. Even cheese has a little protein.
Bring your own cloth bags to the store. Or ask for plastic and use them as trash liners.
It's another small investment. Sometimes stores charge for bags. And if they didn’t the last time you were there, they could start any day now.
Show the world you're not called "conservative" for nothing!
PS: If you found this and are interested in all things eco, check out venTREEloquism.net - speaking on behalf of the Earth. Many of her ideas helped make this list complete.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
I really, really, REALLY wanted a pet as a kid. But my mom couldn’t handle anything living in the house, and we couldn’t have an outdoor cat because my dad, Kirk, hates cats more than anything in the world. In fact, his hatred for cats is up there with my mom’s hatred of dogs.
One day, as fate would have it, a dog found me. I was playing in the backyard alone, while my parents were doing yard work in the front yard. This tiny little dog squeezed itself through our wrought-iron fence. It had a spiky collar and short, dark brown fur. Clearly, he was a present from God. So I took him inside.
I showed him the whole house. We hung out in my room, in the den, and ran up and down the glossy brick hallway between the den and the living room. I was having the time of my life. The dog eventually found the little half bath we had between the kitchen and the door that went into the garage. It had a sliding door so it was always open. My new friend promptly began drinking out of the toilet bowl. I was freaking out.
My 4-year-old mind was currently under the impression that what happens when you flush is the toilet sucks in any poop there might be, then cleans the water, and spits it back out. So if the dog drank all the water, he would break our toilet forever. And I would be in big trouble.
The answer was simple: I just needed to get the dog some different water. But how was I going to contain this water? I was too short to get a bowl from the cabinet. But I sure knew where some shoeboxes were! So I ran down the hall to the linen closet to fetch one. I filled it with water from the sink, and said, “Puppy! Look! I brought you new, better water! Come over here and have some or our toilet isn’t going to work!”
The dog came over and had a drink out of the shoebox. But he quickly lost interest when somehow, all the water escaped onto the floor. Then he went right back into the bathroom. I was trying to figure out how I could get the water back in the shoebox right as my mom walked in.
“Miranda, WHO is that?!” demanded my mother.
“Our new dog!” I said cheerfully.
“No!!! Get him out of here!!! KIIIIRRRRKKKK! Get in here! There’s a DOG in our house!!!!” screamed my mom with a stressed sense of anxiety in her voice, as if nothing could have possibly prepared her for how to handle this situation.
I don’t remember much after that, except that we didn’t keep the dog.
Sometimes I’m going to write about a person I know, or know of. Why? Your guess is a good as mine. Today, that person is The Vazz.
I think I met The Vazz on a playground by a football field at a school I used to go to. That’s my first memory of him, anyways. I don’t know what we were doing there. I think at this point he had graduated high school (or was about to graduate) and I was not quite a junior yet.
The Vazz and I became friends through Algebra tutoring. I’m painfully bad at math, and The Vazz happens to be a Math Genius. He is also a Metal God and a Computer Lord. I told him that I was gonna need to drop down from of some AP/Pre-AP classes because as usual, I’d overloaded myself. He told me I should stay in Pre-AP Algebra 2 because he’d “help me.” A friendship was born.
The Vazz likes: good steak, talking to pretty girls on the internet, Iron Maiden, his mom’s lemon cake, MacGyver, the game of Life, and forum trolling.
The Vazz dislikes: Emo kids, numetal, buying clothes, the fact that Dio just died, and not getting an attractive waitress at restaurants.
Recent news about The Vazz: he is now officially a US citizen. He’s been in America since he was in elementary school. He has future dreams of becoming at math teacher at the high school we went to and adopting a child and being a single dad.
One of my favorite things he’s ever said is,
“I meet so many girls at work it’s like all of them are my girlfriend.”
The Vazz has no use for a girlfriend. He’s just one of those guys who doesn’t date. As a friend recently said about my mom, “Some birds were never meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too beautiful.”
Fun fact: he can speak at least 3 languages. Russian, Armenian, English and maybe more. He’s a man of mystery, so we’ll never know. In fact you could say he’s an International Man of Mystery and you wouldn’t be making a gross exaggeration.
One more fun fact: The first online journal/blog thing I had was a livejournal. I had it for over a year, and started it way before I met The Vazz. He went back and read the entire thing.
My favorite story about The Vazz:
(Actually, it’s more about his parents. Most if not all of my stories about The Vazz are either about doing math, hanging out at someone house, or eating steak at Texas Roadhouse.)
One night around 8 pm, my friend Perl and I decided to surprise-visit The Vazz. He was living at his parents’ at the time. His dad opens the door and says something like, “He is not here right now, come in!”
Perl and I look at each other and make a silent mutual decision to go inside. We sit awkwardly on the couch. Father of The Vazz proclaims, “You are not minors! Have some Cognac!” (We are indeed minors at the time and Cognac is not our drink of choice.)
Perl: Oh, that’s okay. I’m driving,
Me: … um… no thanks.
Mother of The Vazz walks in and hands us each a plate of lemon cake with a face that says, “go on, eat up!” She may or may not speak English. I still don’t know.
They happen to be watching the news on CNN or MSNBC. Father of the Vazz ignites a political conversation I wish I remembered more of because it was no doubt entertaining. But all I can recall is Perl did most of the talking from our end and I was trying to figure out an exit strategy. Somehow we got out of there and immediately cracked up over how ridiculous that whole event was.
Perl: Let’s do that again!
Friday, June 11, 2010
I have a boyfriend who is better than everyone else’s boyfriend.
“But my boyfriend is a rocket scientist and part time model for GQ. He also has a trust fund the size of Montana, yet is not immature in the slightest! He listens to my problems and pets my stomach while feeding me chocolate when I’m on my period. He buys me flowers for no reason and yesterday he proposed with the most sparkly diamond right EVER!”
But is he a ninja?
Didn’t think so. I win.
There is only one downside to My Super Awesome Ninja Man, which is how he will be referred to from now on. He lives halfway across the country. It hasn’t always been that way mind you, and soon that will be remedied.
Anyways, back to the benefits of ninja boyfriends.
1. They give you an excuse to buy things at the weapons store.
I love the weapons store. Actually I like this one store that has a weapons section (L&L’s Unique Store) more than the regular store just for weapons. But the point is I like to buy weapons. Do I ever use them? That’s beside the point. Shurikens (ninja stars) are a to ninjas as food is to us non-ninjas. What I’m trying to say is, they run out often and need more. For Christmas I got him a nice set of shurikens at the weapons store in the mall and it gave me an excuse to spend about an hour in there knowing I wasn’t going to leave without some weapons.
2. They always look chic.
Ninjas wear black. Every day. This is handy because black creates the illusion that what you’re wearing is actually fancier than it really is. He is ready for fancy-date-time at a moment’s notice, even if he is technically wearing jeans.
3. They often come in Asian flavors.
I say “often” because I’m hoping there’s some racial diversity among ninjas, but really, has anyone seen a non-Asian ninja? I could make a whole different list about why Asian men are awesome, but this list is focusing on ninjas, not their Asianness. My Super Awesome Ninja Man happens to be Vietnamese, which means his eyes are skin are the most gorgeous thing ever. He also possesses the ability to talk very quietly which I’m hoping I can learn through osmosis by napping on his chest.
4. They have Honor
Remember the time that one girl whined, “waahh, chivalry is dead and guys all suck.” Well she’s obviously been dating non-ninjas. My Super Awesome Ninja Man told me all about the Code of Honor he lives by, and wants to raise his future children on. It some pretty sweet stuff, and it can best be described as Chivalry minus Sexism plus Doing The Right Thing, and a dash of Common Sense. Ninjas should teach classes at Universities where frat brahs are found! Actually that’s hopeless cause, nevermind.
5. They got your back
This is the most obvious, and why I saved it for last. It really doesn’t need to be explained, but it has to be included. I predicted that after I’d been writing this for a while, I would start to feel lazy and not want to do much explaining/thinking near the end. I was right.
One time my former roommate, Sar-Bear, and I were watching Sailor Moon one evening. In this particular season of Sailor Moon, an evil character named Zoycite kept saying “ZOY!” as he (she?) did evil stuff. This was an endless supply of entertainment for hours. But then we decided the experience should be enhanced by some pizza. So we called up Dominoes.
Then inspirado stuck. I should totally answer the door and be all, “ZOY!” and the poor pizza guy won’t know what hit him. Yes, THIS is my idea of a practical joke. And I’m still laughing about it as I’m writing this. It’s that funny to me.
But there was one problem Sar-Bear foresaw. What if, somehow, the pizza guy got mad at us for saying “Zoy!” and didn’t give us our beloved pizza? We needed a plan. And fast, because we’d already called the pizza guy.
The plan: I would “Zoy” him while Sar-Bear secretly filmed our hilarious practical joke. Then, she would say something like, “oh sorry, we were expecting someone else.”
Lucky for you, I still have the video:
Lesson learned: Some jokes are just way too funny and can’t be done until you are over how funny they are. This might mean waiting years if you have a gem like “Zoy!” but it will be worth it not to mess it up.
5. Bump: Touch phones with someone and magically your information/photos/whatever appear in their phone!
The only thing is, I never think to use it. That’s why it’s number five.
4. RedLaser: Never pay too much for something ever again.
Red Laser uses your phone’s camera to read bar codes and search the Infinite Bar Code Database (or something) and tells you what store the object is from, what object you’re holding is, and how much it costs. Clever, clever.
3. Word Solitaire: The best game ever.
First, I just wanna say “thank you” to Candywriter, the maker of this app. Whoever the hell you are, you rock. Solitaire is cool, but when you’re making words with the cards it’s even cooler. Words > numbers. And that little fire in the corner? At first I thought, “oh what a cool but random decoration.” Then I realized you can burn the cards you don’t want in the fire if you don’t mind sacrificing a few points. Brilliant. My mother (Scrabble fiend) and I love this part the most. And the sound effects in this game are great.
2. Music ID: Figure out what song is playing, and the lyrics.
Oh Shazam can do that too? Well Shazam does it uglier, worse, costs you more money, and has the license to fewer songs. Also, the free version limits how many songs you can ID per certain amount of time. True story: Music ID id’d this once during a movie: Trainingsprogramm Hohe Stimmlage 24 by Andres Balhorn. Is that in Shazam’s database? I’d be very surprised if it was. On April Fool’s Day, Music ID Rick Rolled all of its users who pirated it. How badass is that? (Infinity, obviously.) Coming soon: Music ID for Android so all of you Droid freaks can enjoy a music identification app that doesn’t suck.
1. Hipstamatic: Take pictures of boring things and have them turn out beautiful!
Finally, everyone can all stop whining about how “shitty” the camera in the iPhone is.
Besides, phone cameras have three purposes:
1) Taking sneaky pictures of things you otherwise couldn’t photograph without being obnoxious
2) Wasting time taking pointless pictures when you are bored.
3) Emergency photo situations when you forgot your camera.
Anyone who thinks a phone could ever be an acceptable substitute for a real camera needs to step back and reevaluate that thought. It’s a phone first, other things second. Don’t forget that.
The Hipstamatic has a variety of flash simulators to choose from, as well as films and lenses. So pretty much its purpose is to make the phone camera’s second use a million times more fun.
A chicken coop
A lady asking for someone’s ticket on CalTrain
Take a minute to pause and soak up the beauty that is swiss chard. It’s the rainbow of vegetables. And it clearly needs more media exposure because it’s not its own basic food group yet. Have you ever even heard of it?! Well good thing you’re reading this, because you are about to learn about the most beautiful and amazing vegetable nature ever made.
I first discovered it in an ab magazine I was flipping through in the grocery store. It appeared in a list of foods supposed to help get rid of belly fat.* I tend to like eating green leafy things, so I embarked on a quest to find it in the produce section. I bought a bundle and eagerly took it home. That night I made my usual vegetable stir-fry and threw in a piece of chard. I was not disappointed.
Fun fact: There are about 6 calories and 136.4 mg of potassium in an entire cup of raw swiss chard!
Swiss chard does have one weakness I should warn you about. It’s the same weakness as avocados and bok choy: it has a very short shelf life, so eat up. I wouldn’t buy more than one bundle per grocery store trip. Unless you’re having a swiss chard feast, and in that case you better invite me.
There are many ways to enjoy swiss chard. I will share with you a recipe I invented:
Swiss Chard Wrap
- one giant piece of swiss chard, the bigger the better
- whatever you want inside the wrap
1. Wash the chard.
2. Cut the stalk off the chard. Save it. It will be really good with peanut butter later. Trust me on this.
3. Lay the leafy part on a plate. Depending on the shape of your leafy part, figure out which way you’re going to roll the wrap. If it’s more long and skinny than perfectly round, I suggest not having an awkwardly long and skinny wrap, but do what you want.
4. Prepare all ingredients to go in the wrap. Cook and chop whatever needs to be cooked and chopped.
5. Lay the ingredients on the chard. Admire it. It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Well, I guess that depends on what your ingredients are. Mine is always beautiful because I put delicious, healthy things in it. If yours is nacho Doritos, pepper, fruit roll ups and bubble gum, it might not be as pretty as mine.
6. Wrap that baby up and prepare to be enchanted by the chard’s ability to kick a tortilla’s ass any day of the week. Tortilla: 100-200 calories depending on size and brand, piece of swiss chard: maybe 2. Tell your body I said, “you’re welcome.”
* No food alone harnesses that power. If you want to get rid of belly fat, you need to eat better and exercise. Eating swiss chard can help because it’s low-cal, but it isn’t going to do all the work for you like some sorta leaf-that-eats-your-fat-from-the-inside. You must accept that nothing, not even the almighty swiss chard, is gonna do that.
Welcome to the edge of nonsense. I don’t know what you’re doing here, but thanks for visiting. Since this is the first post, you might be wondering why this place is called “the edge of nonsense.” If you are, you’re in luck because I’m about to tell you.
A long time ago, during my first semester in college, I took a fakey English class called “Narrative Storytelling.” The teacher described my writing as “the edge of nonsense.” I’d say it’s pretty accurate most of the time. I make up words, write about mystical beings, and occasionally bend the rules of grammar so they don’t disrupt my flow.
I kind of intended this post to me some sorta “about me” thing because it seemed like the right thing to do. But now I just want to get on to writing other things so I guess you’ll just have to figure that out as you go.