Where are you? Why did you decide to leave me when I was in Lubbock? The day I got back I needed you and you were not there. It resulted in a disaster with Loaf Pan. He is probably kind of pissed at you, since he is still soaking and it doesn't seem like this random-mixture-that-would-have-been-better-as-sugar-cookies-instead-of-a-"cookie-cake" is ever coming out. I promise to defend you against Loaf Pan's might if you come back.
Actually none of that would have even happened! I originally was looking for YOU so I could make snickerdoodles. Then when you weren't there, I decided to make cupcakes. I started with the frosting, but had no powdered sugar so I tried to use regular sugar. Then tried to save the mess by adding lots of flour and some other things. And it PROBABLY WOULD HAVE WORKED if I used you instead of Loaf Pan. But if you had been there, I'd be eating snickerdoodles right now, wouldn't I?
Is this gonna be like the time in high school with the keys to my dad's house? I don't think I can go 7 months without you. I probably won't even live here in 7 months. If Wini facebooks me and says you've decided to show your face and I've already moved on to a new place and cookie sheet, you will probably never be used again. For some reason this house attracts healthy eaters. It's probably all the free organic eggs. The same free organic eggs that we used to bake with together. You might never see another one again.
Wait a minute, are you behind the refrigerator? That's the only place I haven't looked, because I'm not really sure how I can get back there. If that's where you're hiding that was not only a dick move, but a stupid one. You'll probably have to stay there forever. Seriously, forever. No one is going to rescue you.
I really don't want to buy a new cookie sheet to replace you. Half the reason I love you is because I can always make cookies when I'm out of real food. And if I still haven't made it to the grocery store to buy real food, do you really think I want to go to Target for a new cookie sheet any time soon?
Is this about the gingerbread penis cookie incident? I know, those were TERRIBLE even though they looked awesome. You have to admit the almonds as testicles was brilliant. If only I'd remembered to take you out of the oven in time. At least the folks at Action Figure liked them even though they were burned and a complete disgrace to you and me. But when I used the rest of the dough to make regular little whole wheat gingerbread cookies, those turned out great. If only I'd known then that'd be the last time I saw you. When I ate the last of them I stuck you in the dishwasher, never to be seen again...
Remember how I used to make beer battered fish on you, until you made a little fire at the bottom of the oven? Those were good times. And good fish, too. I could really go for some beer battered fish right about now. But instead I'm going to make frozen spinach out of my emergency food reserve and tear apart the kitchen AGAIN looking for you.
Seriously, how do things just disappear one day? You better spill once I find you.